


Plant Elfroot Between My Buttcheeks

by Umbralpilot



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Butts are hilarious okay, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-14 18:59:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3422003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Umbralpilot/pseuds/Umbralpilot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inquisitor Cadash is <i>dying in agony</i>. Sera is entertained.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plant Elfroot Between My Buttcheeks

**Author's Note:**

> I wish to turn in my Serious Writer badge. Please burn it.

"I," Ariz Cadash declared from her throne of pillows within her fort of blankets and throws, "am _dying_. I am going to die. In untold agony.”

” _PFFFBBTTTT_ ," said Sera and added another dollop of honey to the tea on her tray.

"I am returning to the Stone. My head is already a stone. My throat is full of Red Lyrium. My nose is a great fountain. I am, I am a Paragon of - " she waved her hands in feeble imperial motions. "Suffering. Plague. Snot. And dying, Sera. You are Thedas’s only hope.”

"Damn right I am, only big enough idiot sticking around stuffing tea down your big mouth. Had plans for that mouth tonight. Itches to scratch, bits to… thing, not scratch. You’re not scratchy up there. Scratchy for you maybe…” She huffed. “Big cheat, is what you are.”

Ariz was undeterred. “Be bold. I leave you my, my - “

"Shut _up_!" Sera leapt to the bedside and flung the tray up threateningly over her lover’s head, soup, tea and all. "You’re not leaving me any kind of responsible shite - “

” - my breeches,” Ariz concluded with a hand pointing skyward, or possibly raised in self-defence. “Bury me butt-naked in Skyhold’s garden. Don’t let Vivienne dress my corpse. Don’t let them coat me in gold and mount me up - “

Sera scowled a moment in contemplation of this, then snorted and started to giggle. 

"Keep your arse sticking out of the dirt… like… like an altar!"

"Plant elfroot between my buttcheeks," moaned Ariz. "Let it give the healing that I was denied."

"You've got a cold, you baby!” Sera threw the tray down on the bed and threw herself down next to it. Distractedly, she stuck the honey-stained teaspoon in her mouth. “That’s nice, that. Wasted on tea. Now m’gonna feel a bit bad sticking bees in the jars…”

Ariz burrowed out of her pile just enough to get her hands about the cup of tea and bring it to her mouth. “… this is divine.” She sighed. “I may postpone dying.”

"Yeah?" Sera peeked at the cup with interest. "Seeker told me how. Don’t know how she knows. Big bad bear puncher, never get sick like real people, right?"

"I have it on good authority that Cassandra had a round with this exact same cold last week," Ariz remarked, then frowned. "Is Varric good authority?"

"Shit, no!"

"Maybe she learned it from him, anyway."

Sera grunted and stretched out across the part of the bed theoretically occupied by the Inquisitor’s legs, though it was an awfully big bed and Ariz was pretty tiny, in her opinion. “Maybe. It’s kinda nice, innit? You, winter, blankets, tea. Whining like you’re above it all. But you’re not, right? And Cassadra Algebra Potty Blahblah too. Dorian and me, we saw mister Veil-is-Bald-Here sleeping on his desk and he was snoring and his ears were all red and droopy. Kinda sad, like wilted flowers? So we threw teabags at him. He made this _face_.” she beamed at Ariz. “And he sneezes like a snoufleur!”

Ariz blinked. “I don’t want to know where you got the information to make this comparison,” 

"Oh, places. You listen, you learn, yeah? But the point is, cold makes you all little people. _Bam_!" She slammed a fist into a hand. Ariz might have winced a little. "No titles! No magic! Snot everywhere!"

"Everywhere," Ariz conceded miserably and put the teacup down to blow her nose with great feeling. Sera scuttled aside and glared.

"But not on me. Blerggh!"

"I'm not sure you should be here then," the Inquisitor mused. She raised an eyebrow at Sera over her handkerchief. "If it’s that catching, I don’t want you to get sick."

Sera wriggled her eyebrows right back at her - she never quite got the hang of raising just one, elegantly, like Ariz could, and sometimes she seemed to resent that. Then she slumped forward, pulled her lover’s hand away from her face and kissed her full on the mouth.

" _Whoops_ ,” she said to Ariz's astonished face. “Shouldn't have done that, yeah? Gonna get all dying! Can’t run around the Arselands or the Pissing Wastes! Gotta lie in bed with you and get served fussy tea with honey all day!” 

"That plan is _not_ going to work out the way you imagine it,” Ariz groaned, but shifted aside a little to allow the snickering Sera to wriggle into the blanket pile besides her. Just before diving back in herself, she reached a hand out and pulled the jar of honey and the spoon in with them. “Except maybe the staying in bed with me all day part.”


End file.
